break down to break through
Lately, I’ve been starting my days with difficulty and disbelief. My current challenge is to re-write negative self-talk and cultivate abundant, life-giving energy. I’ve gotten to the point where I can tap into the energy of gratitude and self-love with ease. There was a time in my life where this was impossible. Cultivating this self-love has taken time, ritual, and the guidance of community and teachers. It took small steps that grew into bigger leaps into what I know understand as the boundless well of love that lives inside of me. Now I just have to remember to tap in.
Catching myself in the negative thought loops has been quite the surprising practice. What I once thought of as indelible truths about myself and the world have turned out to falsehoods written by a cruel, invisible hand. The self-imposed brutality was so deeply subconscious, I didn’t even realize it was happening or that I had any control over it.
There were, of course, signs. And the feedback from others about my inability to love myself seemed to abound. So it wasn’t that I didn’t know that I lacked love, I just had no idea how to resolve the issue. And I really didn’t understand the depth or dimension of the problem.
It wasn’t until I started doing energy work that things started to really shift for me. The gentleness of the practices I engaged in and the gradual clarity lent to me by my teachers was vital in my growth journey. I feel like it can be easy for folks to dismiss the material effects of spiritual work mostly because immediate effects tend to be subtle and gain momentum with repetition and time. In short, it takes commitment, openness, and practice to see real, tangible outcomes. This can be a dangerous proposition when the only proof you have that something works is someone’s word. I mean, this is what makes cults so sinister and why it’s so easy to scam people when they feel desperate.
It was truly by the grace of god that I wasn’t drawn into a cult when I first started testing the waters of spiritual work. I know plenty of people who end up a part of or in close contact with cults. In fact, I’m fairly certain I attended several church services in college that were cult-adjacent. The point is that skepticism is warranted. And any practitioner worth their salt will encourage you to stay in your power and trust your own instincts.
I’m glad that I trusted mine because they lead me to practices that are now changing my life! But I suppose when I say “change my life” it doesn’t feel so dramatic. It feels peaceful. Through the grace and insight from sessions and classes with masterful practitioners, I found my center. And I continue to find it over and over with the tools and reference points that I’ve been given.
This morning, I woke up for the hundredth time with the same dark migraine that had developed the day before. Getting out of bed was painful and the morning was already starting to prove disappointing. I had planned on working today. Aggrieved and anxious, I attempted to push through it so that I could get productive. This did not work.
It took me some time to realize I was being harsh with myself, and it dawned on me that I couldn’t take care of other things before I took care of myself. I started to take out the tools in my self-love toolbox; I journaled; I cried a lot; I took a shower; I meditated; and then I promptly fell asleep. When I woke up, my body felt weak from the intensity of the last 24 hours, but the pounding in my head was gone. Ideas and inspiration started hitting after a bit of food and water, and I set up to work with a clear head. And by work, I mean write and create things on Canva in my papasan chair in my pajamas with my blanky. It’s light work.
the all important chair and blanky ;)
This is not the first time this cycle of breaking down has led to some kind of breakthrough. And I’m starting to wonder if my anxiety and frustration is what motivates me to take care of myself in the first place. Rather than ominous harbingers of rumination and spirals, they have become little warning bells that it’s time to take a seat, take a break, and take a look at what’s going on with me. I’m in awe of my new ability to cry so freely. I grieve more openly. I feel softer. It takes less time to come back to hope and truth.
As I endeavor to be and express my most authentic self, I wonder if this practice is not just important, but actually essential. I know, I know. Everyone says this. Take care of yourself! Be kind! Be gentle! Love yourself! But actually practicing love and care is so different than what has been popularly presented to me. The practice has required my presence and my time and my understanding and my willingness to be in pain and then let it go. This love goes deep, and it is what is breaking through deeply ingrained patterns standing in the way of my creativity and peace.
I want to imagine where I will be in 5 years with these exciting new tools, but if the last 5 years of my life have demonstrated anything to me, it’s that we can never know what will happen next. My only wish is that I can continue to create this gentle space inside for me to just be myself. And I hope that I can create that space for you too. <3
