INITIATION
I don’t know what happened before this. Over time, I learned that I had been holding myself back. I went to a bunch of meditations and received energy healing and initiations over the course of three years. And I had big revelations about humanity and existence, and my humanity and my existence. And I challenged my own worldview over and over again. And I felt horrible. And I felt it even more deeply than I ever have. I went into work and felt the absurdity of despair painted against candelight and velvet couches. I can’t explain it to you. It was pure experience. I felt it in my soul. I think. I don’t know.
I still don’t know. I don’t know what anything means. I do know that the experience of life is beyond words. Every time it is. Breath catches against pure bliss, in its intensity and euphoria. I can’t explain it to you: the feelings that erupt in me watching the pinpoint of light through the shade of the leaves. It sounds trite. It is. And it also breaks my heart. Every time it does. I don’t know why. And I don’t have to. I just let it.
Sometimes it hurts so badly, and that’s harder. It’s much harder to let it. This is an ongoing process. Life is easeful occasionally and a force of sheer will at other times. There are days, months, and years that it takes sheer fucking will to survive, to keep going. And there are moments where everything suddenly falls away, and I am grounded completely. I have a renewed sense of self and hope. It’s like a coming back home. I come back to myself, in my body, in love.
There are things that I almost know. I feel them. I do know that the more I believe in something beyond me, the more I have faith, the easier it is to love. Love is an opening. And some days it’s harder than others to be open. I have a tight fist over my pain, over my death. It is the impending doom of strangeness that overtakes me. And that strange sensation of otherness, is the same one that feeds me love. And the same one that makes its own decisions. And the same one which pains me, which creates uncertainty, and gifts me connection. A surrender to something beyond me is a surrender to pain and a surrender to love. And it is present, not looking back or forward.
When I call out now, I call out to the unknown, the beyond, the other. My perception of god is my perception of my neighbor. And when I find the unknown in myself, and make its friend. I find god in my heart.
