I Love The Panic!
Since I decided to quit my safe job and launched full-time into running this business, I have experienced what I’ll call cycles of panic. I’ve been anxious for probably my entire life, but since I’ve mostly released all of my external coping mechanisms and safeties (drugs, parties, distracting relationships, my savior complex, dead-end jobs that I hate), the anxiety is the freshest and most pure I’ve ever felt it. I love the taste of unadulterated panic. Lol.
In the last several months, I’ve woken up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, mind racing, feeling completely and utterly like nothing will work out. Riding the waves of panic has invited me into new ways of regulating and self-soothing. It’s really testing my skillset and, frankly, my creativity. Last night, I woke up with that familiar feeling of sheer terror. I felt the waves of it electrify my heart and mind, and as I started to take deep breaths, I asked myself what it would say if it had words. “Nothing will work out, nothing will ever work out, I don’t deserve for anything to work out.” The familiar scripts of self-loathing and “I’m not enough” materialized in front of me. There have been times, maybe most of my life, where I have fully believed these scripts. They have driven my decisions to take jobs I hate, stay in toxic relationships, and do things that make me feel like shit.
In September, I finally started therapy, and talking out my concerns with her has lead to some deep healing and integration. I feel like all of the practices I’ve been doing in solitude—the meditation, the energy work, the tarot readings, the rituals—are starting to get legs. When I heard those familiar words and phrases of self-loathing, I remembered what Rachel said about doing different things to shift myself out of the cycles of rumination. I started implementing my practices. I started to muster up the feelings of compassion and love I have been cultivating through different self-care rituals and practices. I took a shower; I ate food; I imagined myself as a kind, compassionate, elder version of Kandin holding space for the fear and panic inside of me; I literally held my body gently; I took deep breaths; I reassured myself that everything, no matter what, was going to be ok. Stabilizing this state of compassion took both a mindset shift that began with me asking myself “What if you’re wrong” and also took deliberate action in my physical reality that anchored me in the present and in my body.
I think this is the essence and the consequence of ritual: change. By bringing our minds and our bodies into union , we create an energetic shift in our realities. Some of us may be thinking, well this is how life works. We plan, we act, things get done. And of course. We do rituals, knowingly and unknowingly, every single day. Everything we do is an act of magic. The real revelation is opening up to the possibility of creating ritual and intention through everything that we do, understanding that its impact goes far beyond just the physical reality. Our rituals impact our emotions, our inner child, our past self, our future self, our communities, our relationships. Your ritual does not need to be dictated by the authoritative, external, expectations that you grew up with. You can create your own, internally motivated practices where you intentionally shift the reality that you’re living in. You can, in fact, love yourself more deeply than you ever thought was possible. You can have fulfilling and loving relationships. You can see the value in yourself. There are so many ways we learn these things, and one of my favorite ways is ritual.
Here I am, standing in stillness amongst the trees in the mountains, trying to become like the trees! Another self-love ritual. Reminding myself that I am a part of nature! That we are all earthlings, that we are all connected! <3
What kinds of rituals of care do you have for yourself? Can they hold you when you start to spiral? How can you introduce one ritual of compassion into your life today? Maybe it’s making yourself a cup of nourishing tea in the morning, maybe it’s going for a walk, maybe it’s calling a trusted friend; maybe it’s taking a shower. Choose one ritual and start making it a habit out of love. Imagine yourself bathed in the light of compassion as you do this one thing. You may find that this one thing snowballs into mountains of love.
